Well, back to the hospital Wednesday morning because of the pain, got sent home. Evening comes around. I get up for a fag, my waters break.
Taken to hospital where after a very scary scan (they couldn’t find babies heartbeat) I’m taken to the delivery room where I gave birth 20 minutes later to Dana Louise 1lb 4oz (580gms.) at 9:55pm.
Two hours later I’m taken in for surgery as some placenta got stuck. Two hours under local anaesthetic was enough. The pain got too much (I remember screaming “PLEASE” just so they would stop, I remember every movement, every bit of pressure, trying to move my legs, the panic, the gas and air.) so they put me under a general.
I wake to see mum, dad and Tom. I remember not much until the morning where I’m woken (after two hours sleep.) A few hours later I’m taken to my room on level 7. The views were amazing. Mum, dad, Rachel, Tom, Ollie and Stephen came to see me over the next few days; the loneliness when everyone was gone was unlike anything I had ever felt. I cried almost constantly. They all meet Dana and I go down to see her quite a few times.
I came home today. Dana weighs a little more and is less jaundiced.
I miss her terribly already and am anxious about the travel side of things. I need to be strong, for her.
My brain is so full of thoughts and worry for Dana and myself. Dana because she’s so small and there’s NOTHING I can do except express milk. Then me in case I haemorrhage or get an infection because of the placenta being stuck inside of me….
The past few days have been a harrowing experience, the trauma and fear that are upon me is unequivocal to anything I’ve ever felt or experienced. I’m numb yet full of emotion. Grounded yet spaced.
I’m not all here right now. It could be the meds, but I think it’s this experience.
I’ve prayed, I’ve even spoken to the chaplain. I feel that Dana needs the help of a ‘higher power’, I’m not sure if I mean God or what… But… I don’t know. I’m so fullt of words, yet what I’m feeling isn’t making itself clear. I’m happy to be home, but I want to be by Dana’s bedside. Always.
I need to be less worried and more thankful that Dana is being so well looked after in the SCBU unit twenty four hours a day.
Calling Dana my daughter feels very surreal. Not in a bad way. Not at all. I just don’t think it will kick in until she is healthier and less at risk. I love little Dana.
I find it hard to look at her, I just find it so hard to see my baby, my daughter the way she is. I just want her to be strong and healthy.
She did breathe on her own, and she likes to wiggle. I even got chance to change her nappy, twice!
I need to sleep and heal.
Hopefully good dreams will follow tonight. I missed my bed…. I just want to be there, but here, but there… but here.
I am better off here because my support network is here. Dana has her support network. They’re there and here.
Tom and I love Dana and that, regardless of what happens, will never change.
Goodnight Dana, our daughter, our princess, our life. We will come see you soon.
Mummy and Daddy love you.
My belly feels so empty.I miss you, Dana.
Current Residence: Oxfordshire, England.|
deviantWEAR sizing preference: S/M.
Favourite genre of music: Metal.
Operating System: Windows 7.
MP3 player of choice: My phone.
Wallpaper of choice: Skatty, Misi and Pop.
Favourite cartoon character: Chihiro, Spirited Away.
Personal Quote: If life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand oranges